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When it comes to great sex, quality beats quantity - Guest post by Violet Fenn

What do you think is an acceptable amount of times to have sex each week? Once if you’re lucky? Maybe twice if the kids are out and you’re not too knackered?

According to a poll carried out in 2016, tiredness really is the main cause of going without, with 49% of respondents blaming exhaustion for not getting jiggy as often as they’d ideally like.

This poll is only one of many over the past few years that have clearly shown that people are almost always having less sex than they publicly admit to. The expansion of social media has only made this worse. We see photos of friends cavorting joyfully with lovers and looking for all the world as though they’ve only stopped for a brief second to snap a romantic pic before leaping back into bed and ravishing each other ‘til dawn and we wonder why that doesn’t happen more often in our own lives. Then the niggling inner voices start – are we missing out, is there something wrong with our relationships if we’re not at it more often, does having less frequent sex mean that our partners don’t fancy us any more (or possibly worse, that we no longer fancy them but haven’t faced up to it yet)?

The reality of those endless Facebook photos is far more likely to be that the people in them have actually been up all night for far more prosaic reasons – either they’ve got kids who don’t sleep or one of them has had a stomach upset and spent the last twenty four hours in the bathroom with the air freshener handy. But who’s going to publicise that? It’s a very rare person indeed who puts all the negative bits of life out for public consumption alongside the prettier bits. So they paste those smiles on and look sexy for the camera, and you’re left wondering what you’re missing out on.

The survey results confirm that people in general are having sex far less than we’re often led to believe. Only 29% were managing it five or more times a month - just over once a week.

So maybe we should be worrying less about how often we’re doing it and more about how much we’re enjoying it? You could be having all the sex in the world - but if it’s not making all participants happy then it could be depressing, if not downright harmful.

Concentrate on enjoying what you have, rather than worrying about what you don’t. 60% of respondents said that ‘affection’ was most likely to put them in the mood for sex, which shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. Being in a grump with someone doesn’t generally make him or her want to hop into bed with you! If you and your partner treat each other with kindness in your daily lives then you have a secure foundation on which to build the best sex life possible.

As I’ve said in earlier posts, it really is irrelevant whether your tastes are at the most vanilla end of the spice scale, or up there with the hottest chillies – what matters is that you get the most out of it. It’s far better to have great sex once a month than terrible sex twice a week.

This being a column for a company as devoted to helping you have a great sex life, I’m obviously going to be suggesting some products that might help you make the most of what you’ve got, so let’s start with setting the mood.

If your private time is restricted due to have kids or other relatives in the house, try some of the quieter toys on the market. I’m going to be the voice of doom here and say that however quiet a toy is said to be, it will be louder than expected – truly silent toys really are the holy grail of the adult market. But some are definitely more discreet than others.

And don’t forget to have some fun!

Tease Dice 

One last thing. The same poll discovered that the group reporting the highest level of satisfaction with their sex lives (over 70%) were the over 55s – the oldest age range in the survey. So however much sex you are having (or not), it looks like the odds are in your favour – it will only getting better as time goes on.

Our fantastic guest blogger Violet Fenn is also a UK-based lifestyle and sexual happiness blogger and founder of the blog Sex, Death, Rock 'n' Roll. Some of our favourite articles include 'NO YOU SHOULDN’T PUT GLITTER IN YOUR FANNY WHY DO YOU EVEN NEED TO ASK THIS??' and "ON HAVING NO SHAME." Find out more about Violet on her Simply Pleasure intro page.

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