I reckon it’s a rare person who doesn’t have at least one favourite sexual fantasy. Whether it’s being tickled with feathers by Brad Pitt or dressing up in leather and getting down to it over the bonnet of your boss’s car, most of us have a go-to mental scene that’s guaranteed to get us off.
But what if you want to make some of those fantasies a reality?
First up, remember that it is always, absolutely okay to have fantasies. Kinks and fetishes of all kinds are completely normal - yes, we might sometimes struggle to find someone whose tastes exactly match our own, but it’s still okay to have those tastes. Discovering what it is that floats your own boat is the best foundation for a satisfying sex life - both for yourself and for your potential partner(s).
There is only one (fairly obvious) rule in this game - however fantastical a fantasy may be, it must be utterly consensual. If you want to try something but your partner doesn’t, then you either find a new partner who is happy to indulge you, or you decide to live without it and find satisfaction in different ways.
Fantasies can generally divided into three categories: things you’d never tried but would love to; things you love thinking about but wouldn’t want to do in reality; and things you never want to do and would rather not think about. The reason I include the last one is because your partner almost certainly has fantasies of their own - and they might not match yours. They might even repulse you. But unless their fantasies are actually illegal, your partner has the same right to their kinky thinking as you do.
So, how do you find out if your partner shares your saucy thoughts? The least risky way is probably to bring it into conversation when you’re not in bed. I always remember Cosmo magazine suggesting years ago that sex chat should ideally take place ‘over a bacon sandwich’, which seemed a bit random even then. But their intent was good - there’s definitely less pressure if you can have a casual chat away from the bedroom.
You could try making the conversation ‘third person’ - ‘I saw someone mention this on television and it looks great’, sort of thing. This way if your partner pulls a face and makes retching noises, the letdown doesn’t feel quite so personal.
And presenting it as a joint venture - ‘maybe we could try this together’ – is always good, as it sounds far less threatening than ‘I really want to do this to you’.
Or try sending them a link to a relevant article. I’ve written about pegging, anal sex, BDSM and more here on the Simply Pleasure blog - if your fantasy involves either of these but you don’t know how your partner feels about the prospect, get them to have a read and gauge their reaction.
If you watch porn, then it’s easy - ‘Ooh, look at this I found!’. You could say that you read something online, or a friend mentioned it in conversation. Just make it up! All that matters is that you open the conversation up to discussion.
Talking about New Things might feel a bit awkward if you’ve had only fairly tame sex for a very long time - people often worry that if they suggest something new, their partner will take it as a sign of them being unhappy with the current situation. Having fantasies that involve pushing personal boundaries isn’t - or shouldn’t be - a threat to your real life relationship. Approached with care and consideration, it really is possible to talk about sexy adventuring without scaring your partner.
Don’t forget that flattery always helps: ‘I fancy you so much, I’d love to try this’, or ‘It’s so hot when you pin my arms down, maybe we could try tying each other up sometime’
You don’t have to jump in at the deep end. If your innermost fantasy is for full body latex encasement, maybe start with some wet-look underwear rather than a bodysuit complete with nose tube!
If you’ve hardly ever used toys with your partner before, try a ‘couple’s kit’ that’s just a tiny bit naughty but isn’t going to scare anyone.
You can get some really nice starter bondage kits that look classy without costing a fortune
Or try bondage tape – it only sticks to itself, so there’s no risk of anyone getting themselves into knots.
And don’t forget the power of sexy clothing – much of the Kitten range comes in plus sizes, so there really is something for everyone.
Think about what you like, think about what you want. And then talk.
Violet Fenn is Simply Pleasure's very own guest blogger - she's a UK-based lifestyle and sexual happiness blogger and is also the founder of the fantastic blog Sex, Death, Rock 'n' Roll, where you can read awesome articles about Sex, Death and yes you guessed it - Rock 'n Roll! (Violet is also pretty convincing and manages to coax her male friends into trying out our latest products. The Linx Cyber Pro Stealth Stroker review is a result of this genius!)